The Dan Uggla Struggle Theory

OCTOBER 13, 2014 UPDATE: DISREGARD ALL OF THIS. I WAS SO WRONG.

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The off-season is usually pretty boring. I don't really do much except drink hot chocolate and wait for baseball to start up again. I usually spend my days watching Harry Potter or Star Wars or reading Truman Capote novels or making no-bake oatmeal cookies, but I do some other cool stuff too. Lately, however, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm pretty sure I figured out what's wrong with Dan Uggla.

I mean, it's no secret that Dan Uggla has struggled in Atlanta. That's not exactly breaking news. The thing we don't understand is WHY he has struggled. What caused a guy who finished third in the 2006 NL Rookie of the Year voting to falter so badly? Did his swing change? Does he not like Atlanta? Are his arms just too big? What was the problem? Well, stop asking so many questions, damn. Because I know the problem.

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First, let's take a look at Dan Uggla's stats from his days in Florida.

• 2006: .282 BA, .339 OBP, 48 BB, 27 HR, 105 R, 90 RBI. Made the All-Star team. Third in RotY voting.
• 2007: .245 BA, .326 OBP, 68 BB, 31 HR, 113 R, 88 RBI. A big drop in BA, but his power and ability to reach base made up for that.
• 2008: .260 BA, .360 OBP, 77 BB, 32 HR, 97 R, 92 RBI. Another All-Star season with a 4.4 WAR to boot. Greatness.
• 2009: .243 BA, .354 OBP, 92 BB, 31 HR, 84 R, 90 RBI. Like 2007, a poor BA season salvaged by power and base-reaching ability. Still great.
• 2010: .287 BA, .369 OBP, 78 BB, 33 HR, 100 R, 105 RBI. An amazing season. 17th in MVP voting and won a Silver Slugger award. 4.2 WAR. Amazing.

And then he went to Atlanta...

• 2011: .233 BA, .311 OBP, 62 BB, 36 HR, 88 R, 82 RBI. The worst season we've listed so far. Horrible BA, a shitty OBP compared to his normal years, but the power was still there. Nobody wanted to lynch Uggla just yet.
• 2012: .220 BA, .348 OBP, 94 BB, 19 HR, 86 R, 78 RBI. Even worse. All hell broke loose. Season lows in almost everything except walks. You know it's a bad season when the most productive thing you do involves not swinging the bat.
• 2013: I'm not even gonna talk about 2013 because it's so bad. The dude got benched so Elliot Johnson could play. That's when you know you're shitty.

Those are the numbers, but they don't say anything other than, "Wow, he really sucked after the 2010 season!" But why did he suck after the 2010 season? Well, here's the theory: Dan Uggla's (alleged) infidelity and subsequent divorce are the causes for his poor production as an Atlanta Brave. Buckle up, kiddos, here's the scoop...

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In the middle of the 2010 season, Dan Uggla signed with a new agent: Terry Bross of Gaylord Sports Management. I don't have to say too much about the dude, as everything is pretty much common knowledge at this point, but to sum it up: Bross basically (allegedly) hookered out this Bibi Jones broad in order to lure Uggla into signing with him. That's kinda cool, except Dan was married at the time.

This all happened in July 2010. Uggs met with Bross (and Bibi...) during a four-game series in Arizona and signed with him three weeks later (Fun Fact: Uggla hit .285 with 3 RBIs and a walk during that series). We can safely assume Bibi (allegedly) showed Uggla a fun time in Arizona. Now, women are pretty damn smart - we all know that by now, so basic logic will tell you that Mrs. Uggla found out about Bibi at some point between July 2010 (the month of the Bross & Bibi fiasco) and October 2011 (the rumored month of Dan's split-up with his wife). One can assume much of the 2011 season was spent in a failing marriage that resulted in a divorce. You can also assume much of the 2012 season was spent dealing with the fallout from the divorce. But what about 2013? What's the problem there? We've gotta remember divorces ain't pretty. They can fuck a person up pretty badly. It's plausible that the divorce and the slumps of 2011 and 2012 had a serious mental effect on Dan. It's like, I don't know, I read something somewhere that if a dude is depressed or upset about something, then he can't get it up in bed. Maybe that's the same thing with Uggla except in this case his penis is his baseball bat and the bed is the batter's box.


The numbers don't lie. Uggla is better when he's married:

• Dan Uggla's average season stats when (happily) married: .263 BA, .349 OBP,  73 BB, 31 HR, 100 R, 93 RBI. 

Those beauties are known as "the Florida numbers," but they should now be known as "the happily married numbers."

• Dan Uggla's average season stats when he's going through a divorce most likely caused by his (alleged) infidelity and dealing with the crippling loneliness he feels now that he's lonely and his wife and kids are gone: .213 BA, .323 OBP, 78 BB, 26 HR, 78 R, 72 RBI. 

Those are "the Atlanta numbers," but people shouldn't call them that because it implies his struggles are city-based while ignoring the actual problem: he's sad, he needs a hug, he needs a pretty lady with a ring on her finger.

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So, if you're looking for some good news for the 2014 season: Dan Uggla is married again (and she's a total babe). Maybe (hopefully) that'll fix everything. Uggla was dominating when he was married and then it all went to hell when he wasn't. Now that he's married again, we've got nothing but good things to look forward to. Frank Wren doesn't need to perform any #Wrensanity this off-season because we're as good as gold as long as Uggla's marriage holds up.

A man is only as good as the woman he's with, and if there's no woman involved, he ain't gonna be very good. Think about every single thing that has ever happened in the history of the world and a woman is involved in one way or another. Why did Hitler do what he did? Because he didn't have a hot babe in his life and he got involved with some bad shit because he didn't get to spend his free time shoe shopping with his girl. Why did Shakespeare write all those things? For the ladies, yo. Same applies to Uggla. If he's married, he's gonna be Shakespeare and do good for his lady at home. If he ain't got a wife and he's dealing with post-divorce depression, he's gonna be Hitle— uhh... I mean, he's gonna be, like... he's gonna suck, basically.

So, yeah. I'd go ahead and draft him on your fantasy team this year. Buy an Uggla jersey or two. Support the dude. I'm sure behind the muscle-head bravado and the big boys don't cry attitude, Papa Uggs is simply a sensitive dude with feelings too. The divorce hurt him, but he's happy again. His new wife is gonna make him forget about all of his struggles and give him the love and support he needs. He's gonna flourish on and off the field. He'll be back to the way he was in the Marlin days. Everything will be good. I promise. (If things ain't good, you can lynch us both, I'll allow it.)

• Dan Uggla's projected 2014 stats now that he's happily married to a hot lady: .272 BA, .342 OBP, 82 BB, 29 HR, 94 R, 95 RBI. Write these down, because it's gonna happen.

Problem solved. Y'all welcome.

October 8, 2013

WARNING: Language. Lots of language. 

This shit ain't fun.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I've cried, I've laughed, I've been pissed off, I've even smiled a few times but I don't really know if that counts because my heart wasn't really in it. I've done all of those things in the span of just a few hours. It sucks.

I'm not sure what the point of writing this is but it's the only thing I feel like doing right now. I have no jokes. I have no funny memes. I have no sexy pick-up lines to drop on all the beautiful ladies out there. I have none of that. I have this keyboard in front of me, the sad music I'm listening to, and the memories of the last 166 games running through my mind. I'm sure there are very few out there, if any at all, that will actually sit down and read this rambling nonsense, but this is my therapy. Some people drink some drank. I write some write. Let me write my write and you can choose to ignore it if you want. It's all good.

I guess I wanna start by talking about how awesome this year was. Jesus Christ. It had everything. It had ups and downs and Uptons and Downs and Waffle Houses and everything in between. It really was an awesome year. I mean, the end result was pretty shitty, but if you can look past that, we were actually pretty lucky to have the season we did. We had so many injuries. Our bullpen, for example, it just completely dismantled before the flowers even started to bloom and we still won 96 games. That's insane. And damn near every player on the roster missed some games with completely off-the-wall injuries at random points during the season. I know nobody wants to hear that "hey, look at the positives!" bullshit at this point, but you gotta admit: doing what we did with the cards we were dealt was pretty damn amazing.

I could go on and on about how disadvantaged we were at different points during the season, but that's all been well documented and discussed at this point. I still don't even know what the fuck I'm writing about but hey, THIS IS ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

There's this popular thing I've seen thousands of times on the internet called "date a girl who reads" and it's pretty cool and all, but fuck that. Fuck all of that. Date a guy/girl who watches Braves baseball. Because no matter what you do to them, no matter how many times you fuck them over and break their heart and ruin their day, they'll always come crawling back. I'm not gonna go to the extent that Rosemarie Urquico chick went with that "girl who reads" thing, but yo, a Braves fan will be the best kind of lover you've ever had. You can literally rip their heart in two and they will still come back every April and give you another chance. Every year. No questioning it. They'll show up with your name on their chest and greet you with open arms, thinking you'll be different. They'll love you so hard for 6 months until you inevitably dump them in October.

This is the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in. I know this isn't on the same level as the Red Sox championship drought was; and it sure as shit ain't got nothing on the Cubs drought, but still. This ain't right. I wasn't old enough to experience the 1995 World Series win, so I've gone my entire life without seeing the Braves capitalize, and they've had plenty of chances. The earliest Braves memory I have is watching them lose to the Yankees in the 1996 World Series. And then the next year I watched them falter in the 1997 NLCS. And then the next year I watched them falter in the 1998 NLCS. And then the next year I watched them get swept in the 1999 World Series. And then the next year I watched them get swept by the Cardinals in the 2000 NLDS. And then the next year I watched them drop the 2001 NLCS. And then the next year I watched them drop the 2002 NLDS to the Giants. And then the next year I watched them fall to the Cubs in the 2003 NLDS. And then the next year I watched them lose to the Astros in the 2004 NLDS. And then the next year I watched them fail, yet again, to the Astros, in the 2005 NLDS. And then we had a dry spell and for a few years and lost to the Giants in the 2010 NLDS and then we lost to the Cardinals in the 2012 Wild Card game and now this. I know you didn't really need to be reminded of all that shit, but hey, we're Braves fans, we're gluttons for punishment.

I think we do this because we're dumb. Beautifully ignorant, really. Deep down, we know what the October end result is gonna be before first pitch of every Opening Day, but we still have that wide-eyed ignorance that keeps us intrigued for 162 games and more if we're lucky. We do this with the thought process of "maybe it'll be different" and "we're too good to fail this year" and "we can do it, we got this." And that's what's so beautiful about being a Braves fan. We see the good in light of the shittiness we've grown accustomed to. The world needs more Braves fans because we're some thick-skinned dudes and ladies (I mean, unless you talk bad about the tomahawk chop, then we're just a bunch of whiny bitches). Sure, some of us choose to love and defend a struggling, muscular white dude while calling for the head of a struggling, skinny black outfielder. Some of us hate certain players because they make too much money. Some of us hate certain players because we just don't like 'em, plain and simple. But even through all that, we still love a team that has failed us time and time again. And I think that's pretty special. We could take the easy road and pick a team with a big payroll and an easy path to the playoffs, but we choose to stick it out with these schmucks from April to October. Shit, not even April, we start following and worshiping these dudes in February. I don't know, you can call me weird for thinking this way, but that's a pretty damn cool thing in my opinion.

I really wish I could find the words to cheer up myself and others like myself, but really the only medicine at this point is just self-loathing and wallowing in our own sorrows. People like to say, "oh, get over it, it's just a stupid game," but it's really not. It's so much more than that if you're a diehard fan. It's hard to explain to those fortunate enough to survive on a daily basis without having to worry about a favorite player's nagging injury or a division rival catching up in the standings. They just don't understand and maybe that makes them lucky. But for those of us who sit in our comfy chairs and fix our favorite snacky snacks and drinky drinks before every first pitch, this is so much more than just a game. It's all been said before so I won't try to be too poetic or anything, but a lot of times, baseball is the best thing you've got in this world. For six months of the year, no matter how rough things are, baseball is there for you (except on off-days or rain delays but don't kill my vibe, alright?). It's a little embarrassing to admit, but there have been days where the only reason I even got out of bed was to watch or play baseball. It's such an awesome game. And since we literally eat, breathe, and sleep Braves baseball for half of the year, when shit like this happens, there's only one thing you can do and that's sulk and wait for next season. Maybe that's a good thing though. It teaches us to hold on to hope. It teaches us to keep reaching. Keep holding on. Keep on keeping on. In this fucked up world it's actually pretty nice to have something to hope for, and baseball is always hopeful. That's pretty damn cool in my opinion.

But hey, enough of that. I'm far too dumb to even make an attempt at being all philosophical and stuff, so let's talk about one of my favorite parts of the season: Twitter. Damn, you guys are awesome. Every single one of y— well, nah, there's some pretty terrible people out there, but you know what I mean. Braves Country or #BravesFam or whatever you wanna call it ain't no joke. I've been a member of "Braves Twitter" for two seasons now and it's been a lot of fun. I've met and became close friends with people who would otherwise be total strangers if it weren't for our mutual love affair with the Braves. It's been (and continues to be) pretty neat to see people from all walks of life come together and bond over a common interest. I guess one of the silver linings in this whole ordeal is the fact that we've got each other to lean on this off-season. Even if we're just "Twitter friends," we understand each other and help raise each other up. I'll be honest, I thought "#BravesFam" was kinda corny when I first started seeing it pop up everywhere, but it's actually pretty accurate: we really are a family. And that's pretty damn cool in my opinion.

I don't know why I'm still writing but I've got all this pent up aggression and if I don't take it out on my keyboard then I'll probably take it out on an actual human being and since the closest human being to me is my frail old neighbor, I should probably keep typing. This is kinda like the movie Speed except I'm driving a keyboard instead of a bus and there's no bomb it's just me and also no Sandra Bullock just a dude who runs a parody account. Okay so that's nothing like the movie Speed, but fuck it.

I definitely want to say thanks to everyone who has decided to click the follow button and enter the world of Fake Dan Uggla. When I started this account, I had no idea I would ever reach 12,000+ followers. I had no idea people would actually enjoy my tweets. I don't really understand it. I kinda shudder every time I click the tweet button because they're all just so horrible. I'm not trying to fish for compliments here, I'm being honest. I actually kinda hate parody accounts and it's a damn shame that I run one. But, hey, fuck it, it's pretty cool that I can wake up and go make breakfast and then tweet "Hey girl, are you a Toaster Strudel? Because you're hot and I wanna taste you right now" and have people actually laugh at that bullshit. Also, people have actually gotten excited because I followed them. That's just so crazy to me. I don't think I'll ever understand it but if I'm that cool to some of you people, then hey, rock on.

I don't know where the off-season is gonna take us. I don't know what moves are gonna be made and I don't know what the lineup is gonna look like on Opening Day. I just know that when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training, all this heartache is gonna go out the window and we're gonna have a fresh start. Hey, maybe we'll even win the division again. Maybe we'll make it to the NLCS. Maybe we'll make it to the World Series. Maybe we'll go 42-120 and have a horrible season. Who knows? All I know is I can't wait. I can't wait to spend countless hours of my day with you guys on Twitter; watching every game, celebrating every win, mourning every loss, live tweeting every romantic comedy that comes on TV. You guys are awesome and as long as we keep believing in our boys, it's gonna happen eventually. There's eventually gonna be an October where we won't have to worry about feeling this way. We're gonna get that trophy and all will be right with the world. Just don't give up on 'em.

I love you all. This season has been so fun, UGH. I can't mention that enough. It's been super fun. So fun. So so so fun. You guys are seriously the best and I'm glad I get to be miserable with the best damn baseball fans out there. I don't know how much tweeting I'll be doing in the off-season so try not to miss my fabulous ass too much. Just know that FDU loves you and next year is gonna be awesome. If it's not awesome, I'll owe you $10. Promise.

Stay strong. Remember the good times. Smile. Be happy. Don't panic. Just make pitch.

Go Braves!