The Dan Uggla Struggle Theory

OCTOBER 13, 2014 UPDATE: DISREGARD ALL OF THIS. I WAS SO WRONG.

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The off-season is usually pretty boring. I don't really do much except drink hot chocolate and wait for baseball to start up again. I usually spend my days watching Harry Potter or Star Wars or reading Truman Capote novels or making no-bake oatmeal cookies, but I do some other cool stuff too. Lately, however, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm pretty sure I figured out what's wrong with Dan Uggla.

I mean, it's no secret that Dan Uggla has struggled in Atlanta. That's not exactly breaking news. The thing we don't understand is WHY he has struggled. What caused a guy who finished third in the 2006 NL Rookie of the Year voting to falter so badly? Did his swing change? Does he not like Atlanta? Are his arms just too big? What was the problem? Well, stop asking so many questions, damn. Because I know the problem.

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First, let's take a look at Dan Uggla's stats from his days in Florida.

• 2006: .282 BA, .339 OBP, 48 BB, 27 HR, 105 R, 90 RBI. Made the All-Star team. Third in RotY voting.
• 2007: .245 BA, .326 OBP, 68 BB, 31 HR, 113 R, 88 RBI. A big drop in BA, but his power and ability to reach base made up for that.
• 2008: .260 BA, .360 OBP, 77 BB, 32 HR, 97 R, 92 RBI. Another All-Star season with a 4.4 WAR to boot. Greatness.
• 2009: .243 BA, .354 OBP, 92 BB, 31 HR, 84 R, 90 RBI. Like 2007, a poor BA season salvaged by power and base-reaching ability. Still great.
• 2010: .287 BA, .369 OBP, 78 BB, 33 HR, 100 R, 105 RBI. An amazing season. 17th in MVP voting and won a Silver Slugger award. 4.2 WAR. Amazing.

And then he went to Atlanta...

• 2011: .233 BA, .311 OBP, 62 BB, 36 HR, 88 R, 82 RBI. The worst season we've listed so far. Horrible BA, a shitty OBP compared to his normal years, but the power was still there. Nobody wanted to lynch Uggla just yet.
• 2012: .220 BA, .348 OBP, 94 BB, 19 HR, 86 R, 78 RBI. Even worse. All hell broke loose. Season lows in almost everything except walks. You know it's a bad season when the most productive thing you do involves not swinging the bat.
• 2013: I'm not even gonna talk about 2013 because it's so bad. The dude got benched so Elliot Johnson could play. That's when you know you're shitty.

Those are the numbers, but they don't say anything other than, "Wow, he really sucked after the 2010 season!" But why did he suck after the 2010 season? Well, here's the theory: Dan Uggla's (alleged) infidelity and subsequent divorce are the causes for his poor production as an Atlanta Brave. Buckle up, kiddos, here's the scoop...

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In the middle of the 2010 season, Dan Uggla signed with a new agent: Terry Bross of Gaylord Sports Management. I don't have to say too much about the dude, as everything is pretty much common knowledge at this point, but to sum it up: Bross basically (allegedly) hookered out this Bibi Jones broad in order to lure Uggla into signing with him. That's kinda cool, except Dan was married at the time.

This all happened in July 2010. Uggs met with Bross (and Bibi...) during a four-game series in Arizona and signed with him three weeks later (Fun Fact: Uggla hit .285 with 3 RBIs and a walk during that series). We can safely assume Bibi (allegedly) showed Uggla a fun time in Arizona. Now, women are pretty damn smart - we all know that by now, so basic logic will tell you that Mrs. Uggla found out about Bibi at some point between July 2010 (the month of the Bross & Bibi fiasco) and October 2011 (the rumored month of Dan's split-up with his wife). One can assume much of the 2011 season was spent in a failing marriage that resulted in a divorce. You can also assume much of the 2012 season was spent dealing with the fallout from the divorce. But what about 2013? What's the problem there? We've gotta remember divorces ain't pretty. They can fuck a person up pretty badly. It's plausible that the divorce and the slumps of 2011 and 2012 had a serious mental effect on Dan. It's like, I don't know, I read something somewhere that if a dude is depressed or upset about something, then he can't get it up in bed. Maybe that's the same thing with Uggla except in this case his penis is his baseball bat and the bed is the batter's box.


The numbers don't lie. Uggla is better when he's married:

• Dan Uggla's average season stats when (happily) married: .263 BA, .349 OBP,  73 BB, 31 HR, 100 R, 93 RBI. 

Those beauties are known as "the Florida numbers," but they should now be known as "the happily married numbers."

• Dan Uggla's average season stats when he's going through a divorce most likely caused by his (alleged) infidelity and dealing with the crippling loneliness he feels now that he's lonely and his wife and kids are gone: .213 BA, .323 OBP, 78 BB, 26 HR, 78 R, 72 RBI. 

Those are "the Atlanta numbers," but people shouldn't call them that because it implies his struggles are city-based while ignoring the actual problem: he's sad, he needs a hug, he needs a pretty lady with a ring on her finger.

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So, if you're looking for some good news for the 2014 season: Dan Uggla is married again (and she's a total babe). Maybe (hopefully) that'll fix everything. Uggla was dominating when he was married and then it all went to hell when he wasn't. Now that he's married again, we've got nothing but good things to look forward to. Frank Wren doesn't need to perform any #Wrensanity this off-season because we're as good as gold as long as Uggla's marriage holds up.

A man is only as good as the woman he's with, and if there's no woman involved, he ain't gonna be very good. Think about every single thing that has ever happened in the history of the world and a woman is involved in one way or another. Why did Hitler do what he did? Because he didn't have a hot babe in his life and he got involved with some bad shit because he didn't get to spend his free time shoe shopping with his girl. Why did Shakespeare write all those things? For the ladies, yo. Same applies to Uggla. If he's married, he's gonna be Shakespeare and do good for his lady at home. If he ain't got a wife and he's dealing with post-divorce depression, he's gonna be Hitle— uhh... I mean, he's gonna be, like... he's gonna suck, basically.

So, yeah. I'd go ahead and draft him on your fantasy team this year. Buy an Uggla jersey or two. Support the dude. I'm sure behind the muscle-head bravado and the big boys don't cry attitude, Papa Uggs is simply a sensitive dude with feelings too. The divorce hurt him, but he's happy again. His new wife is gonna make him forget about all of his struggles and give him the love and support he needs. He's gonna flourish on and off the field. He'll be back to the way he was in the Marlin days. Everything will be good. I promise. (If things ain't good, you can lynch us both, I'll allow it.)

• Dan Uggla's projected 2014 stats now that he's happily married to a hot lady: .272 BA, .342 OBP, 82 BB, 29 HR, 94 R, 95 RBI. Write these down, because it's gonna happen.

Problem solved. Y'all welcome.